This has been one of my biggest insecurities as a struggling artist. For the longest time, I did not quite know what is it that I have. Is it real talent? a skill? a good eye for detail?
Ever since I started this hobby, I often get praises from my family and friends, telling me how good I was in this and not to go back to IT anymore and just turn it into a business. Well, to that I say, you are my family and friends so I’m not really surprised you would say that. The truth is, I cannot muster the confidence to turn this into a business. You see, I cannot draw without a reference. Let me say that again, I cannot draw without a reference. I need a photograph or a live model in order to draw. I was in self-denial about it for a long time, and I forced myself to draw human figures from memory, telling myself it just takes practice. Sadly, I just can’t. And so for a long time, I have been struggling with the question “Am I really an artist, or a copyist?”
I am not really a trained artist by profession. I am, or was, a network engineer (and I can say a really good one) before I embarked on this creative journey. But formally trained or not, I always thought that real artists have that raw talent to create scenes and characters from imagination. I don’t have that. Maybe that’s the reason why I never pushed through with my dream to take up an art course in college. I didn’t feel like I have the real thing.
Whenever I share this sentiment with people I know, they would respond with the usual “ano ka ba, ang ganda-ganda nga ng mga drawings mo no!”. Although I am grateful for the compliment, I also feel sad that I cannot get the message across. This is not me showing false modesty. This is me being honest about my insecurity.
So I’m calling this blog “Unsettled”, because that’s what I am, that’s how I feel about all this. Am I on the right track? Should I carry on? Am I the only one feeling this way?