Look At Me

It’s been way too long since my last post. I’ve since returned to the corporate world, and have been trying my best to blend in after a yearlong absence.

It hasn’t been easy though. I had originally planned to just “exist” and do my job quietly, drawing as little attention to myself as possible. I am no longer interested in climbing any kind of corporate ladder. However, I think someone played a joke on me, and now I find myself in a position that is the exact opposite of what I planned for. Since then I have been in random states of self-doubt, excitement, disbelief, and all kinds of insecurity known to man. Am I overthinking? Am I overreacting? Am I downplaying things? I don’t even know. I’m just trying my best to get by. As my good friend always says, “more to come”.

This is a portrait of my daughter on her fourth birthday, on her way to a small birthday celebration we organized at her school. I miss the days when I only have to worry about what to cook for dinner.

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Do You Know Where You’re Going To?

I haven’t sketched anything in a while.  I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, from politics to art to social justice to gardening and what to cook tonight.  Well, mostly politics.  I’ve been refreshing newsfeeds and devouring articles and commentaries from my preferred bloggers  every chance I get.  I’ve always been interested in history, politics and sociology since high school.  Maybe even earlier than that.  In college, I was more excited about Humanities and Sociology courses (part of the general engineering curriculum for the first 2 years) than Basic Electronics I or Differential Calculus.  I loved reading about philosophy, psychology and art history.  I regret sometimes that I did not follow my heart.  Or maybe, at that time, I did not even know my own heart.  I mean, how can I possibly decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life at 16.  Well, I know others who did, and they should consider themselves very lucky.

Nowadays, my home country is experiencing an awakening.  Politics and socially relevant issues have been brought to the forefront of national discourse, trumping showbusiness and basketball, and I can’t help but feel a little proud.  And hopeful.  What I would give to see my country experience real progress at the end of this journey.

Speaking of journeys,  I am taking a new one in a few weeks.  Metaphorically, I mean.  I am about to go back to the world of corporate employees.  For more than a year, I have greatly enjoyed going against the crowd during  the morning rush hour.  Finding myself alone and facing a crowd of people wearing office ensembles across the pedestrian lane, was so, so liberating.  At the train station, being the only person riding the up-elevator while looking at the down-elevator bursting with people, was oddly calming.  I hope I get to do that again in the near future.  Realities have finally caught up with me, and it’s time to face them.

This is my illustration of the road I take on my daily commute to drop and pick up my daughter to and from her school, viewed from the upperdeck of a bus.  I will miss the times when I get to ride half-empty buses and trains.

Back to you

Is it back to watercolors for me after I resolved to stick to pencil drawings?  That lasted a day.  I am so inconsistent.  I did a couple of pencil sketches and I just couldn’t help but to paint over them.  I like that some of the pencil shadings show through the paint.  And I really like how the colors turn out in this paper.  This is my Moleskine sketchbook which has a nice off-white paper.  It’s vey absorbent though and cannot take washes and repetitive brush strokes.  On watercolor paper, I apply a small amount of paint and then just push it around with my brush.  That approach does not work on this Moleskine paper at all.  I need to check if there is a watercolor paper out there with this shade of white.

Anyway, I will try to fill up the rest of the pages with pencil and watercolor paintings and see how it goes.  Maybe it will help me minimize my brush strokes.  I do tend to overpaint and obssess over the details.

This is my daughter in her Lunar New Year party dress.  I wonder until what age would she allow me to put a flower in her hair.

All of the Stars

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by Ed Sheeran

It’s just another night
And I’m staring at the moon
I saw a shooting star
And thought of you
I sang a lullaby
By the waterside and knew
If you were here,
I’d sing to you
You’re on the other side
As the skyline splits in two
I’m miles away from seeing you
I can see the stars
From America
I wonder, do you see them, too?
So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home
I can hear your heart
On the radio beat
They’re playing ‘Chasing Cars’
And I thought of us
Back to the time,
You were lying next to me
I looked across and fell in love
So I took your hand
Back through lamp lit streets I knew
Everything led back to you
So can you see the stars?
Over Amsterdam
You’re the song my heart is
Beating to
So open your eyes and see
The way our horizons meet
And all of the lights will lead
Into the night with me
And I know these scars will bleed
But both of our hearts believe
All of these stars will guide us home
And, oh, I know
And oh, I know, oh
I can see the stars
From America
I wish you love and only love, now and always.  Happy Valentine’s Day.

Mass media

I’ve been playing around with pencils these past few days.  I still come back to it somehow.  One would think that after a year of drawing and painting, I would have discovered what my preferred medium is already.  I’ve already tried pencil, ink, watercolor and gouache.  I thought for a while that I liked watercolor the most, but I still feel like something’s missing. Technique? A signature palette?  I’m not sure.

Going back to pencil felt so comforting.  It’s like it’s telling me that it’s ok to doodle aimlessly, to overshade, to make wrong strokes. It’s like an old friend who’ll always go easy on me no matter what I do.  Maybe I’ll stick with it for a while.

This is a pencil drawing of my daughter sporting her new haircut.  I’ve actually used color pencils on this but I prefer the greyscale version.